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Monday, 14 January 2013

Online dating

I met him online. On a dating website. (Oh, hush the gasps, this is not a courtroom drama!) He had a not so noticeable id. I had some amazing id that potrayed me as the amazing urbane quintessential girl. He buzzed me. I buzzed him back. We chatted for a few days via the website's email. I then gave him the email id that I had prepared especially for this alias that I was playing. We started Instant Messaging there. It was kind of an addiction. I know that if I start again, it still will be. It was easy to share all those intimate details, worries, frustrations and routines of my monotonous, boring, depressing and dramas of my then teenage life with an unknown face in the crowd. An unknown virtual stranger. It was like a dream blowing of steam, knowing it will never come back to me. It will never haunt me. Ever.

I gave away my real identity. He had only changed his first name. Then, we exchanged numbers. He did not force or coax me to. I was hesitant and refrained. He accepted. Eventually, after a period, I agreed. We spoke to each other. Not all the time. But enough to have a smile on my face everyday. I was afraid I would fall for him. I'm not the one to trust or commit myself easily. He didn't push. I was comfortable. After 2 years, he admitted, he liked me. I liked him too, I said as much. But this nag in my head kept pestering me, why didn't I have those butterflies-in-the-stomach feelings toward him like it always happens when I like like someone? Then I realized, I like him as a friend. My fault was I didn't express as much. I was stupid. Idiotic. What more to say.

We continued to speak, he continued to express himself. He wanted to meet me. Again, he was (and still is and will always be) a perfect gentleman. He didn't force me to meet him. I wasn't ready. I said as much. He said he understood and didn't bring up the subject again. The sad part was, I wanted to meet him too. More than anything. But, I (as always) was low on confidence. The fact that if I meet him, it may so happen that I am waiting for him, he looks at me, doesn't find me good enough and walks away. Also, my dream of the faceless-strangers-sharing-secrets would be shattered. He suggested meeting some 3-4 times after that, over a period of 2 more years. I still had  a big fat no.

By then, our talks weren't all that regular. Maybe because I didn't take his calls much. I am a no nonsense person. Lovey dovey, cheesy talks mean nothing to me. I like facts and conversations that are to the point, be it with colleagues or family. He is more of a romantic. He likes to drag conversations around. I got bored. I used to get so irritated that I used to cut his calls, not take his calls, only text him, respond in monosyllables. I felt bad at times. I really did. But I've had (still do) zero patience for this behaviour of his that I call insanity. I spoke to my friend in the States and she told me she'd kill for her boyfriend to be like this guy. He wasn't my boy friend. No. No. Oh, no! I wasn't ready, you see.

He asked me one day, what this relationship of our's meant to me. I said he was a friend, nothing more. He was killing himself trying to get me, which wasn't going to happen. I tried and tried and tried but just couldn't fathom those feelings toward him. He was roaming around in no man's land and he was missing out on so many opportunities, maybe we should just cut off all contact and move on, for good.

He agreed.

No contact, nothing. I spoke to him on the 11th of this month (after a 6 month gap). He called and asked me whether I'd like to watch the new movie, Matru something. I said no. Why? "I have my braces now! I don't want you to see me like this." His retort? "You are such a child. When will you grow up?" Anyway, meeting him for another year was a No-No. I asked him point blank, you are in contact again, what do you want with us?

His response was "I need you. I try really hard to not think of you, to stay away from you, but I just can't. I want us to be friends (which we have been for more than 4 years now) and I want us to be in a relationship. I want to be with you."

I said, I have my own reservations regarding a relationship. I don't like to be tied down. Least of all when I am so young and have my whole life ahead of me. I am preparing for my MBA/MiM. After hearing this, he said a  relationship was a No-No for him were I to move and settle in a foreign land.

The next day, he texted me. "You are very happy in your limited social circle of your close knit family and few close friends. You told me long ago that you find it very hard to expand our circle. I find that very endearing. I will not change you. I will not force you. I am leaving everything to time and fate. If we were to happen, we will happen. If not, we will atleast be friends."

"Thank you", is what I told him.

My point of narrating all this? Relationship or no, I have gained a wonderful friend. Also, I am still a scared little girl afraid of showing her true emotions who believes that crying is a sign of weakness. Showing how you really feel is for losers. I know my mindset will change. I am a person who prefers real experiences as compared to being taught what is right and wrong. I like learning it the hard way. I always have, which has left me a little scarred for life. I don't mind. Yes, it does make meeting people and opening up to them awfully dificult. But, this is what you have aliases for. :)

Regards